last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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