Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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