He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
