I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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