I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
