9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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