so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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