I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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