Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
