Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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