I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
