fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
