Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
