I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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