Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
