My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
