White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
