i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
