do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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