if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
