I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize