and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
