Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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