he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
