A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
