i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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