Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
