Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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