I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
