i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
