They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
