if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
