I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
