i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
