Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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