I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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