she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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