I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Randomize
