You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize