did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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