he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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