she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize