I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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