He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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