Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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