A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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