the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
