just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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