Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
