so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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