I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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