I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
