He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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