You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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