I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
