When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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