he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
When are your genitals available?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
