You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
