Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
