I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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