I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
