Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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