fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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