I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
