There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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