and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
