he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
