you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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