So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
