I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
