If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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