dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
