my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize