I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
